The Perils of Courting in a Buggy

Why are you not working at the livery stable? You haven't been discharged, have you? asked the grocery man as he slid a lump of concentrated lye, that looked like maple sugar, on a cake of sugar that had been broken, knowing the bad boy would nibble it. No, sir, I was not discharged, but when a livery man lends one a kicking horse to take my girl out riding, that settles it. I asked the boss if I couldn't have a quiet horse that would drive itself if I wound the lines around the whip, and he gave me one he said would go all day without driving. You know how it is, when a fellow takes his girl out riding he don't want his mind occupied holding lines. So, I got my girl, and we went out on the Whitefish Bay road, and it was just before dark, and we rode along under the trees, and I wound the lines around the whip, and put one around my girl, and patted her under the chin with my other hand, and her mouth looked so good, and her blue eyes looked up at me and twinkled as much as to dare me to kiss her, and I was all of a tremble, and then my hand wandered around by her ear and I drew her head up to me and gave her a smack. Say, that was no kind of a horse to give a young fellow to take his girl out riding. Just as I smacked her I felt as though the buggy had been struck with a pile driver, and when I looked at the horse he was running away and kicking the buggy and the lines were dragging on the ground. I was scared, I tell you. I wanted to jump out but my girl threw her arms around my neck and screamed, and told me we would die together, and just as we were going to die the buggy struck a fence and the horse broke loose and went off, leaving us in the buggy, tumbled down by the dashboard, but we were not hurt. The old horse stopped and went to chewing grass, and he looked up at me as though he wanted to say 'philopone.' I tried to catch him, but he wouldn't catch, and then we waited till dark and walked home, and I told the livery man what I thought of such treatment, and he said if I had attended to my driving and not kissed the girl I would have been all right. He said I ought to have told him I wanted a horse that wouldn't shy at a kiss; but how did I know that I was going to get up courage to kiss her? A livery man ought to take it for granted that when a young fellow goes out with his girl he is going to kiss her, and give him a horse accordingly. But I quit him at once. I won't work for a man that hasn't got sense.