The Sylvania Baldness Epidemic
When a small-town boredom led to a mandatory, clipper-enforced hairstyle for every man in sight.
The story, cleaned up
A cleaned-up reading of the newspaper page: spelling and layout repaired, one story lifted off a crowded page. It follows the original closely but it is not a transcription. The original page is below; read it if a detail matters.
A stranger visiting Sylvania right now would be amusingly impressed with the similarity in appearance of all its male inhabitants. It was so dull the first part of the week that the 'Sylvania Bass Company' ceased to furnish its members with the usual enlivening elixir of mirth. Something had to be done; so a few of the members decided that they would have their heads clipped. Our barber, Mr. H. K. Kemp, did the work up in rare and rapid style, and the boys were so well pleased with their new selves that they magnanimously resolved to 'do' the town up likewise. The first victim who walked into the hands of the spoilers was a young man with curly hair and a long beard. He 'kicked' and swore, but it was no use; he was escorted upstairs and in a few minutes was a member of the 'Mystic Circle of the Slick.' Then the fun commenced in earnest. Young men, old men, and boys were gathered into the fold. Some submitted meekly; some pleaded piteously; but the same fate awaited them all—each came out with a slick face and a hairless head. When a subject became too obstreperous, one of the committee took the clippers and mowed a furrow down the center of his head. This always had a very quieting effect. Even the lawyers surrendered. One young clerk, seeing the 'clipping expedition' coming, escaped by clipping himself first. Everybody is alike down here now, and it is a rare sight to see a citizen with hair on his head.
“When the 'subject' became too obstreperous, one of the committee took the clippers and mowed a furrow down the center of his head. This always had a very quieting effect.”
This 1888 account of peer-pressured aesthetic uniformity captures the absurd lengths people will go to when collective boredom strikes a small community. Today, Sylvania—a historical settlement near the current Snohomish area—retains that sense of close-knit, sometimes intrusive community dynamics, though public mandatory haircuts have thankfully fallen out of fashion.
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