The Old Settlers' Legislative Fantasy

AN ACT To protect the Old Settlers of Washington Territory and Limit the Rapacity of Carpet Baggers who may be found running at large. SECTION 1. Be it enacted by the Legislative Assembly of the Territory of Washington, That the old settlers of Washington Territory are and ought to be considered a privileged class; that they shall, from and after this bill and its approval by the Governor, be entitled to hold all the offices, both Federal and Territorial, especially the good and paying ones; that they shall be exempt from payment of fares on any stage line, steamboat and railroad. That they shall be exempt from all militia or jury duty, if they so desire. That they shall be allowed at all times to give their opinion upon the climate, soil, and productions of this Territory, and they shall, upon all occasions be treated with due deference by all carpet-baggers, their stories listened to, believed, and all their jokes duly and heartily laughed at and applauded. Sec. 2. All carpet baggers within the limits of this Territory shall be considered an inferior class, and shall have no rights or privileges that an old settler is bound to respect. They shall not be allowed to hold any good offices during the lifetime of any of the old settlers. They shall be governed by the predictions of the weather made by all old settlers, and attribute any mistake made to the changes in climate from the early days when the Territory was first discovered by said old settlers. Sec. 3. Any carpet bagger who shall in any manner offend in any particular recited in Sec. two, or in any way idly regard the rights, wishes or privileges of any old settler, shall be tried by a jury of old settlers, and any penalty they may decide, even to the extent of banishment to Wisconsin or other remote parts, shall be meekly submitted to by said offending carpet bagger.